Jeremy

You are, unfortunately, fifteen years old. A high school freshman with, thank God, four good friends, but other than that a seriously boring life in a seriously boring town made livable only by the knowledge that someday in the far off future at least this will all be over and you’ll turn sixteen and get a driver's license which you so richly deserve and then life will finally be good. Oh, and your parents are seriously ruining your life.

Connie

You’re forty-three, probably look it in the jowls, you touch up the gray occasionally, but are a reasonably fit person with a good marriage and a healthy family. With Jeremy finally in high school, you’ve found the time to start scratching that creative itch for writing a book you’ve had for the last ten years… and it’s going surprisingly well! After sixteen short months, you’re already three-quarters of the way through chapter one! Of course, you would be further along if Jeremy would just get it through his thick head that the sign you hang on the spare bedroom door says “Do Not Disturb”, and not “Please Interrupt Me So I Can Drive You Someplace That You Could Easily Have Walked To By Now”.

Walt

(Prolonged sigh).... The boy is, quite honestly, a handful at times. Jeremy seems to brood a lot. That concerns you, but, hey, hormones can explain plenty of odd behavior. Nobody would know that better than an orthodontist who, by profession, is sentenced to spending nearly eight hours of every day staring directly into the jaws of puberty. It’s weird. You pride yourself on your ability to listen to and communicate with patients, but when it comes to your own son, you practically have to pry every syllable out of him.

Pierce

You were brought in to replace the former drummer,Y.A. in Jeremy’s band. Obviously, you pride yourself on your appearance and have everything a garage band drummer needs... danger, mystery, energy, and partially deaf parents. Trademarks include not suffering fools gladly and wearing a constant scowl... understandable for someone with three pounds of jewelry on his head.

Hector Garcia

Jeremy has been your best friend since the fourth grade when you moved here. You guys are amigos and hardly ever get on each other’s nerves much, and even when you do it’s no big deal because there’s way too much history between you to sweat the small stuff. Amigos, dude.

Sara Toomey

First of all, let’s get this boyfriend / girlfriend thing straight. Jeremy is sweet and everything and he’s the only guy that you’ve ever actually wanted to shave your legs for, but the term “girlfriend” just makes your teeth grind because, let’s face it, it practically connotes ownership. Besides, you can’t name one relationship you’ve seen that truly works on the basis of total equality or that has the shelf life of, say, a ripe banana. As Dorothy Parker wrote,

 "Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania."